a place to analyze my overanalyzing

how long o lord?

2008-07-28T23:04:00.002-05:00

writing is usually therapeutic for me... hopefully this will bring some peace...

a few months ago, i witnessed two fatal accidents within two weeks of each other...the first was a jogger who, seemingly distracted by his iPod, ran into traffic was hit by an SUV going about 40mph...the second was a an SUV with a mother & her 3 young children inside who was hit by a car who ran a red light going 60mph...i thought it would be something i would be able to get over fairly quickly, but the incidents still haunt me every day...i spend my nights lamenting and asking God to take away the images, thoughts, anger and guilt...i ask over and over again "how long o lord?"...

how long o lord will my mind replay the jogger's body flying into the air before bouncing off of the concrete?

how long o lord will i see the shock & pain on the face of the woman who hit the jogger? how long will i feel guilty for not having the words to say to make her pain even a bit less?

how long o lord will i see the young mother's blood on my hands every time i look at them?

how long o lord will i be awakened by the sound and sight of those 3 children screaming and laying bloodied and broken in the back seat of the SUV?

how long o lord will i be haunted by the dying woman's pleas for help and knowing by the state of her mangled, bloodied body, that no amount of help would save her?

how long o lord will i feel guilty for not doing more than pray with her and hold her hand as she lay dying?

how long o lord will i feel guilty for being concerned with my own well-being while one family has lost a wife & mother, another a daughter, and yet another another a father & husband?

how long o lord will i feel angry toward the people in the 10-15 cars that drove by without stopping even though the cries of the women and children were piercing the air and their car & body parts were strewn across the road?

how long o lord?

i will be still lord...i will rest in you...i will allow you work in me...you are my peace...you are my hope...you are my strength...in you i put my trust...in you i will find comfort from my pain, guilt, and fear...lord be my comforter...be my rock...be my light in this darkness...release me from the guilt, fear, and anger that i feel...release me from all that keeps me from serving you with my whole heart, mind, and soul...

Confessions of a Sinner

2008-01-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

Although it's not easy for me to admit, I am a sinner through and through. I gossip. I lie. I am quick to anger. I am unforgiving. I lust. I take the Lord's name in vain. I am envious. I have stolen. I use course language. I have committed sexual sin. And that is just the beginning! Not only have I committed these sins, but I am a repeat offender.

So, my question is this, if I repeatedly choose to put myself into situations where, given my track record, I know there is a pretty good chance that I will sin, do I really have the right to ask for His grace and forgiveness? If I know I gossip when I am with a certain friend, but still choose to spend time with that person, do I have the right to ask for God's grace after I gossip again? If I know that I am probably going to get drunk if I go to a party, but go anyway, do I have a right to ask for His grace after I get drunk? If I know that when I am exposed to a lot of swearing that I tend to start swearing, but still watch movies full of curse words, do I have the right to ask for forgiveness after I curse? If I know that when I am alone with a certain guy I will probably end up making out with him, but still choose to be alone with him, do I have the right to ask for His forgiveness after I commit sexual sin? If I know that I am easily angered when discussing certain topic, but still initiate conversations about that topic, do I have the right to ask for His forgiveness after I get angry and say unkind things during the conversation?

Please don't get me wrong. I know that God extends His grace and mercy to us even though we don't deserve it. I am just wondering if I take advantage of that knowledge. I sometimes put myself into potentially sinful situations because I know I will be given that grace and forgiveness. As a Christian, shouldn't I impose my own consequences so that I can STOP sinning instead of banking on His grace?

Through God's wisdom and strength, I have had a few times of clarity over the years where I was bold & strong enough to give self-imposed consequences for my sins. Sometimes the results were good, other times, they were not so good. I had to end a friendship with a close friend because it got to a point where all we did when we were together was gossip and say unkind things about people. He was one of my best friends--someone I knew I could count on to be there anytime I needed something. But, because we both struggled with gossip, our relationship was just a breeding ground for sin. Although he was not a Christian, he completely understood that I needed to end the friendship in order to be obedient to God. I have also gone through stages where in order to get control of lustful thoughts and bad language, I stopped watching any movies with sexual content or excessive cursing. During these periods of time, some of my friends were supportive while others did not understand. Some of my friends would get really mad if I would break plans with them because they were going to see a film that I was not allowing myself to see. Some understood that it was about my relationship with God and not a personal attack on them, others took it personally. I had to stop hanging out alone with an ex-boyfriend because no matter how many times we said we wouldn't do it and no matter how many times we managed not to, we always seemed fall back into our pattern of making out. He was a very close friend and at first, he did not take the news well when i said we couldn't hang out alone anymore. He tried to convince me that we would try harder from now on. He said that if I really cared about him, I wouldn't stoop hanging out alone with him. We fought about it a lot. After a while, he came to realize that it was exactly the opposite--I had to stop being alone with him BECAUSE I really cared about him and did not want to be a source of sinfulness for him. Although these consequences were difficult to impose and pretty much sucked, they really helped me to change my sinful ways.

But here's the thing--even though I have been successful with imposing consequences in the past, I can't make those same choices now. There are situations and relationships that I am in right now that are sinful. Situations and relationships that cause not only myself, but other people to sin repeatedly. I know that if I want to be obedient to God, I need to stop what I am doing. I know that I need to end some of those relationships. But no matter how many times I try, I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead, I stay and continue to sin. Instead, I fail my God and I fail those people with whom I am sinning. Instead of earning the title of ambassador of Christ, I have earned the title of hypocrite.

The reality is that if I am TRULY trying to live a life worthy of the name Christian, I would not only make better choices, but I would be willing to impose consequences on myself if I fail to make the right choice. If my loyalty was TRULY to God, I would make the right decision regardless of whether or not my friends get upset with me for doing what I need to do to serve God. If I am TRULY wanting to be holy and righteous, I would be willing to give up anything that causes me to sin, whether it be movies, tv shows, parties, alcohol, money, food, and so on. If I am TRULY trying to be a woman chasing after God, I would be willing to give up any and all relationships that pull me into sin and therefore away from Him. If I am TRULY trying to be an example of Christ to the world, I need to stop taking advantage of his grace and mercy and start doing the right thing. Instead of marinating in His grace and forgiveness, I need to bathe in God's strength, healing, and love, and do what I know I need to do. The harsh reality is that if I am not willing to give up my sin or the things and people that draw me into sin, I don't have the right to tell the world that I am a Christian.

Is there really ever true selflessness?

2007-06-15T19:52:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about my selfishness. Mother Teresa is one of my heroes because she lived a life of pure, unadultered selflessness. I really do want to be like her, but I can't even grasp how she managed to live the life that she lived. I am selfish to the core. I struggle with selfishness more than I struggle with anything else. I really do try my very best to always put the needs of others first, to be generous with my time and money, and to help others whether or not it is convenient for me. I don't struggle with performing the unselfish acts. I struggle with selfish motives. Although on the surface my actions seem unselfish and really quite Jesusy, they are often the exact opposite. I am coming to realize that many of the "unselfish" things that I do are done with selfish motives. Many times I do "unselfish" things just so I don't have to get any of the grief or guilt trips that i would get if I didn't do them, whether that grief and guilt comes from myself or someone else. Sometimes I do "unselfish" things because it is less hassle for me to just do it myself instead of asking for help. Sometimes I do "unselfish" things not because it is the right thing to do, but because it makes me feel good. Sometimes I do "unselfish" things out of a sense of duty or obligation. Sometimes I do "unselfish" things because I don't want to look bad if I say "no". Sometimes I get sick to my stomach because I know that my motives are selfish, but the impression that my actions give to others is that of selflessness.

So, all that leads me to the following questions:

--Can we really do anything with 100% selflessness? We always seem to gain something from being unselfish, whether it be a good feeling, less drama, or less guilt.

--Is it ever ok to be selfish? Is it ok for me to buy a pair of shoes that I don't need when I know about 200 people in Cass Park who actually NEED a new pair of shoes? Is it ok for me to say "no" to helping someone so that I can go home and watch tv and relax?

--Is it wrong for me to be hurt and frustrated when people that I go out of my way to be unselfish toward do not treat me in the way? Is it not selfish and un-Jesusy that I have the expectation that people will treat me the same way that I treat them?

--Is it wrong for me to wish people would stop asking and expecting me to help every single time they need my time, my opinion, my money, or my ideas? Is it wrong for me to wish more people would offer to help?

What do you all think?

Martin Luther King, Jr.

2007-01-15T12:54:00.000-05:00

In my opinion, Martin Luther King, Jr. was one of the most fascinating, brilliant men in U.S. history. On this day that has been set aside to honor him, I'm posting some of my favorite MLK Jr. quotes.

--Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'

--Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

--Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

--Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

--Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.

--Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the philanthropist to overlook the circumstances of economic injustice which make philanthropy necessary.

--Pity may represent little more than the impersonal concern which prompts the mailing of a check, but true sympathy is the personal concern which demands the giving of one's soul.

--Yes, I see the Church as the body of Christ. But, oh! How we have blemished and scarred that body through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists.

--He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.

--All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.

--Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.

--I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

Jack

2006-12-05T22:05:00.000-05:00

This summer I had an encounter with a man who changed my life. I was in Downtown Detroit with a group of students from Rochester College leading a dislocated Bible study. We went to Campus Martius to read the story of the Good Samaritan and were then going to walk to Hart Plaza to think and meditate on what we had read. On our way to Hart Plaza, I saw a man sitting outside an office building. He had a huge head of curly hair, wore a coat in 80-degree weather, and as people walked by, his smile lit up his face. I told the group that I would catch up with them and crossed the street to sit by the man. I sat down and said hello. He seemed surprised, but said hello back. I introduced myself and he did the same. His name was Jack. We sat and talked for about 15 minutes and then I asked if he was hungry. I hadn't eaten all day, so I asked if he would like to have lunch with me. He said he'd love to. Because it was nearby, I suggested Au Bon Pain--Jack said "how about if we go to Jimmy John's instead--I've never eaten at Au Bon Pain, but that name sounds too snobby for me". So, we walked to Jimmy Johns, got our sandwiches, and went back to the park to eat. While we sat and ate, Jack told me about his life. He told me about his family, his children, and how he ended up living in shelters and on the street. He told me how grateful he was to have people who loved him, but how distraught he was that he couldn't make them proud. After he talked for a while, he said "Ok, I've depressed you enough. Now let's talk about you." I told him about my job, my family, and all of the things we talk about to make small talk. But Jack didn't want to hear those things. As I spoke, he interrupted and said "now tell me about the real you". It was in that moment that I let my guard down. As he sat and held my hand, I told him everything. For the next fifteen or twenty minutes, he listened intently to my hopes for the future, my fears, my dreams. I began to cry as I told Jack that I want to work with the homeless and the working poor full-time, but that I am too afraid to give up a secure job and secure relationships in order to do so. I explained how much it hurts me that I don't have enough faith in my God take such a leap of faith. It was the most free and open I had been with myself and with another person in a long time. He encouraged me to take a small leap of faith and to take classes on non-profits and business so that I can begin my own organization. He told me about his experiences as a homeless man and how he often feels stripped of his dignity by the police, the community, and while living in some of the shelters in Detroit. He talked about how excruciatingly embarrassing and dehumanizing it is to have to go to the bathroom on the streets since there are very few public restrooms in the area. We discussed the zoning and set-up of the city of Detroit--how hundreds of thousands of suburbanites can come into the city for ballgames, plays, concerts, casinos, and so on, yet have absolutely no idea how bad it really is there. Detroit is the poorest city in America, and yet most of us who go Downtown from the suburbs would never know that because we do not have to drive through any of the "bad" neighborhoods in order get to where we are going. Jack told me what he thinks the homeless really need, what changes he thinks need to be made in the governmental system, and what the homeless really need from soup kitchens and shelters.
A few minutes later, the group I was with returned. Jack looked at me and said that he wanted to ask me one more question before I left. "Why did you talk to me?" he asked. I said "I don't know. There was just something that drew me to you". He took my hand and said "Thank you. Most people will look the other way or give me money, but you talked to me. You saw me. To most people I am invisible, but to you, I was a real person. Keep doing that. Promise you'll keep doing that". I gave Jack my word and my phone number, hugged and kissed him, and went back to the van to head back to Rochester.
Not a single day went by that I did not think about, pray for, and thank God for my encounter with Jack. You see, while he was touched that I "saw him", what he didn't realize is that because of him, I saw the real me for the first time in a very long time and my life has not been the same since. Jack wouldn't settle for the trite conversation and pleasantries. He saw right through my stock answers and shallow conversation. He was the kind of man who drew complete honesty out of a person, not to be manipulative, but because he genuinely cared. Jack did more for me that day than I ever could have done for him. I looked for him each time I went back Downtown, but could not find him. I was with a group serving lunch for the homeless in Cass Park in October when I heard his voice. He looked different--his hair was short and he had a different coat, but he still had a smile that lit up his entire face. I sat and talked with him on this day and on other days that we went to Cass Park. The last time I saw him, I asked him what I could bring him the next time we came. He asked for homemade chocolate chip cookies and I promised I would bring him a batch.
Today, we received word that Jack passed away on Friday. I have cried off and on since the moment I found out. I only knew him for a short time, but this man impacted my life. He helped me realize what I really want to do with my life. He helped me see that I should not be afraid to do what I am passionate about. I will keep that promise that I made to Jack--I will not allow the homeless of Detroit to be invisible. I will do all that I can to make sure they have people who will listen, people who will love, and people who will serve them. And from now on, each time I go to Cass Park, I will take homemade chocolate chip cookies in remembrance of Jack.

Ever-growing discontent...

2006-11-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

It's not easy to know what you want to do with your life and not be able to do it at this exact moment. Going to Cass Park to talk with, build relationships with, and "help" the homeless who gather there is a sort of torture for me. My heart and my head ache. I can't seem to focus on my job or my personal life. It's all I think about. I know that I want to spend my life working for and with these beautiful people. It is when I am with them, listening to their stories, and serving them that I feel most alive, most at peace, and most at home. It's easy to say that if that is what I want to do, that I should just do it. But there are so many things to work out and consider. Should I move Downtown? Should I begin my own non-profit organization or try to work with one that is already established? Should I do it full-time or just volunteer more often? Will it be more beneficial to change the system through political and social advocacy or by being "in the trenches"?

I am trying to be patient and to be still, but everything in me wants to move. I know that need to continue to be still and to listen. I need to maintain a balance of logic and emotion about this so that my decision is the correct one and the one that will most benefit the group for/with whom I want to work. I am discontent right now, and that is not how I want to live my life. I need to figure out a way to be content right now, knowing that in time I will be doing what I really want to do. Until then, I will continue to be in Cass Park, whether physically or mentally, as much as possible.

Is sarcasm sinful? If it is, I'm in big trouble!!!!

2006-07-25T16:57:00.000-05:00

"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable." --Johann von Goethe

I love to laugh. I am drawn to people who are naturally humorous. People who are quick-witted will grab my attention and my affection every time. There are certain people in my life who make me laugh until I can't breathe--my brother, Hannah, Amiee, etc.--every time I am with them or talk to them, I know I am going to end up with a laughter-induced stomachache. There is nothing that makes me more happy than spending time with people like this. It is when I laugh, and am being laughed at, that I feel most alive.

Over the last few years, I have decided to look more closely at my sense of humor to determine what message it sends people about who I am and who I serve. I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about what I find humorous. I have been told on many occasions that my humor is sinful because one cannot be sarcastic and be a Christian. I have told more times than I can count that humor that is sarcastic or teasing goes against the nature of God--that any humor that is based on the actions or mistakes of another person is cruel. That instead of making jokes about people's mistakes, we should pray for them instead. My humor is very sarcastic. Does that mean it is sinful? I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I don't want to make them believe that I am not a true believer because I'm sarcastic. I really don't want to have to apologize for hurting people's feelings. Because of this, I have become very careful, almost paranoid, about who I share my humor with. It has gotten to a point where being in a room full of people makes me incredibly nervous because I am so worried about hurting someone's feelings with my humor. I have become shy and sometimes reclusive in order to avoid these kinds of situations.

But should I put this guard up? Should I choose to be something and someone that I am not?

My prayers have lead me to this conclusion. Humor is a gift from God. It has gotten me through some of the most difficult times in my life. Having people who tease me about my problems and insecurities has made me stronger. These people remind me that I need to forgive myself and not beat myself up so much when I fall. These people remind me that I am not perfect and that I need to let go of trying to be. If I were not surrounded by people who make light of my mistakes and idiosyncrasies, I would drive myself insane by spending all of my time analyzing these mistakes and idiosyncrasies. Having people who jokingly and lovingly expose my foibles makes me feel loved because they have taken the time to know me and notice these foibles. Having people like this in my life reminds me that my life should be filled with joy, not drama.

Within each of us lies a sense of humor. It may not always look the same, but because my humor is wrapped in a different package does not make it innately sinful. Yes, my sense of humor is often sarcastic. I often tease people for the silly or not-so-bright things that they say or do. But, it is not at all mean-spirited or intended to be hurtful. It does not contain sexual connotation. It is not based on making light of sinfulness. It is not crude or debase. So, why then do some assume that it is sinful?

I do understand that I have a sense of responsibility--if I know that someone is sensitive to or offended by sarcastic humor, I will respect that and refrain from sarcasm. I will be conscious of who I share my jokes and sarcasm with, but I will no longer allow myself to worry. I will no longer be a sweaty mess in a room full of people because I am nervous about what they will think if I say something sarcastic. I will no longer avoid going to gatherings because I am afraid of offending someone with my sense of humor.

I am who I am and my outlook on life as a child of God is largely based on my sense of humor. I like it that way. From now on, I am going to be me.

The truth about anger.

2006-07-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself." Abraham Maslow

As I said in an earlier post, I am trying to become more in touch with my emotions. One of my discoveries is that I have a lot more anger than I ever would have imagined.

It has always been easy for me to be angry at some people and things-- social injustice, people who are cruel to my loved ones, the government, horrible Michigan drivers, racism, rude people at the grocery store or mall, acquanintances or co-workers who mistreat me, the neighborhood kids who wake me up at 7am on days that I can sleep in, the guys who wash their cars at the car wash next door to my apartment and have the bass up so loud that my walls shake...

These fits of anger comes as no surprise. The surprising thing that I am discovering is that I am harboring a lot of anger toward the people who mean the most to me. Being angry at those whom I love opens a Pandora's box.

On this journey to dealing with my anger, I have made an unsettling discovery. I am beginning to realize that my anger is not really anger at all, it is really just a disguise for feeling hurt. For me, anger is easier to swallow than hurt. I can admit that I am angry. I know how to deal with anger--I mean all I have to do is watch Jerry Springer, Oprah, or Dr. Phil to find that out. I don't really handle anger in a Godly manner or with a mature attitude. I ignore the person for as long as I feel that they deserve to be ignored. I can think and say plenty of nasty, hurtful comments. I can embellish and share my version of the story to my other friends. Being angry and acting on that anger is easy. Being hurt and confronting that hurt (and the person who hurt me) is much more difficult. I have always tried to be completely independent. I have stranded myself on an emotional island, not allowing anyone to get too close. Admitting that I feel hurt is admitting that I have given people some sort of power in my life. Admitting that I feel hurt means that they are important to me and that what they do, say, and think affects me. Admitting that I feel hurt means that I, the control freak, am not in total control of the relationship. Admitting that I feel hurt means that people have not only been vacationing on my isolated island, but have set up their huts and have no plans on leaving. Admitting that I feel hurt scares the crap out of me.

Oddly enough, although this scares me, it also gives me a sense of peace that I have never known. It is nice to know that I am not an island anymore. It is nice to know that there are people who care so much about me that they want to work through my hurt and anger. I am finally beginning to experience what true friendship looks like. For that I am grateful.

Devil's Advocate

2006-07-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

We had some good conversations at our July 4th shindig today. But those conversations got me thinking about the things I say and the impression I give people of what I believe. You see, I love playing the devil's advocate. I don't do this to be argumentative or antagonistic!

Sometimes I do this to test my ability to see the other side of an issue. How can I really have an informed opinion or belief on an issue if I cannot understand the points presented on the other side of the issue? There is no better way to test your knowledge of all sides of an issue than to defend the other side. Anyone who was on their high school debate team knows that is true.

Sometimes I do this to see if the people in the conversation (including myself) have thought through their opinions or if they are still trying to form their opinion.

Sometimes I like to hear the responses and rationale of other people when I repeat things that heard or have been said to me. I often repeat things that I heard said in the cafeteria at work or on the radio or on the news. I want to see if the people with whom I am conversing have the same response that I had when those things were said. If they have the same response that I had, I want to see whether or not the rationale actually makes sense. If it does, that's good. If it doesn't, it makes me rethink my rationale. If they do not have the same response, it gives me a new perspective to consider.

The danger of playing the devil's advocate is that people really don't know where I actually stand on issues. They don't know if I am conveying how I really feel or if I am just trying to promote conversation and thought. They are probably under the impression that I agree with all of the things that I am saying, when much of time, I don't. Depending on the topic of conversation, being the devil's advocate may result in coming across as uncaring and harsh. Sometimes it may come across as judgemental and arrogant. Sometimes it may come across as ignorant.

I always think about these conversations later, as I did today, and want to call all of the people involved and clarify that I don't really believe some of the stuff I was saying. I want to say that I was just repeating things other people have said to support their views. I want to tell them that I am just trying to figure out what I think by hearing what they think. I usually don't call to explain, but maybe I should.

I guess in the end, I hope that the people involved in the conversation know my heart. I hope that they know and can see that I am trying to become a kind, understanding, informed, open-minded, and patient person. For me, the road to attaining those traits is lined with conversations in which I play the devil's advocate.

Power Struggle

2006-06-29T17:04:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, I had the pleasure of speaking to 100 or so young women concerning self-worth, body image, boys, other girls, and how God fits into those aspects of our lives. In a nutshell, I said the following:

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We, as women have given the media, men, and other females the power to not only influence how we feel about ourselves, but the power to make us change ourselves. Inevitably, how others see us is an going to have some influence in our self-worth and confidence. But, we have allowed how OTHER PEOPLE see us to have MORE power in our lives than we give to how GOD sees us. The balance of power is way off! We are called to be set apart from this world. That means we, as Christians, should have a different standard of beauty than the world has. I do not want another generation of young women to grow up believing that if they do not live up to the world's standard of beauty, that they are not beautiful. We, as women of God, need to return the power to its rightful source. We need to be honest with ourselves, each other, and with men about the ways that we are stripped of our beauty by being reduced to nothing more than a sequence of body parts. We need to make conscious choices to change this. We need to think about the compliments we give to other women--choose not to focus your compliments on a woman's appearance to the exclusion of complimenting her on her personal character. If we chose to spend as much time improving our character as we do our physical appearance, how different would our world be? Most importantly, we need to spend time with the One who knows and loves every inch of us more than we can ever imagine--nothing can make us feel more beautiful than spending time with the One who created us.

You are no more important because people think you are pretty. You are no less important if people don't.

You are not more beautiful because a guy(s) wants to date you. You are not less beautiful if no guy(s) wants to date you.

You are not a better person because you are popular. You are not a worse person if you are not.

You are no more special because you wear the right clothes. You are no less special if you do not.

Your integrity is not increased by being thin. Your integrity is not decreased by not being thin.

You are not more kind and compassionate by having a perfect manicure and pedicure.

You are not more fun to be around because you have great hair.

Your physical appearance does not define you. Having a boyfriend does not make you who you are. You are not a better person, friend, or daughter if you are physically attractive. You are not your clothes. You are not your hair. You are not you complexion. You are not your breasts. You are not your stomach. You are not your thighs. You are not your butt. You are not your make-up. You are not your nails. You are not your shoes.

You are beautiful, important, special, and priceless because God created you. You are all of those things because He loves you and thinks you are extraordinary just the way you are. Be who He designed you to be. Live your life in a way that makes Him proud of this handiwork.

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I was really encouraged by the response of these young women. They realize that the are being taught to value the wrong things in themselves and in each other. They know that God should be the source of their confidence and worth, but they are fighting against a world that tells them otherwise every time they turn on the TV, open a magazine, watch a movie, or listen to the radio. They want to learn a new way of living and just want some guidance along the way. What we need are more people who are willing to mentor and guide these young women. Are you willing to take this challenge?

And guys, don't think you are off the hook! You have a responsibility to these young women too. There will be a post for you very soon.

All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned from Nathan

2006-06-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

I was asked to write an article for the monthly church newsletter about how working with Nathan has impacted my walk with God. I tried every single day for 2 weeks to write it, but always left the computer frustrated that I could not articulate how he has changed me. It is such a personal journey and being the private person I am, it was hard for me to express myself without feeling as if I was revealing too much. Well, the deadline was looming, so I finally sat down and had to write. The following is the finished product. I am not completely happy with it because I still have not been able to find the words to express myself. However, I hope it will give you a glimpse of how amazing an experience working with Nathan has been.

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For the last 5 years, I have had the pleasure of working with an amazing little boy named Nathan. At first, this started out as just another job, but it has since become so much more. No relationship that I have ever had has brought me closer God than my relationship with Nathan. He is a reflection of how God feels about me. He shows me what it is to lead a Godly life because he leads one. These are just a few of the lessons I have learned from Nathan.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE…In Nathan, I have experienced a love that I never thought possible. Although I have love for people in my life, I never experienced pure, authentic, unconditional love until Nathan. I would do anything for him and there is nothing that will ever cause me to feel any differently.

TALK IS CHEAP…Nathan has taught me that words are really just words. Nathan does not have the ability to verbally express his gratitude or love the way most of us can, but I know he feels it because of his actions. I need to be more like that. It’s easy to say that I love someone, but it is much more difficult to show it. It’s easy to say that I am concerned, but much more difficult to take time out of my day to show that concern by my actions. It is easy to say kind things, but difficult to do kind things.

PEACE…No matter how bad my day has been or if my heart is aching, just seeing Nathan can turn everything around. Just being around him seems to heal my every wound. Nathan reminds me that if I will allow myself to enter into the presence of God, He will heal my wounds and provide a peace that I cannot attain anywhere else.

FORGIVENESS…When he has misbehaved and I become upset with him, Nathan cannot stand the thought of being out of my good graces. If he can sense that I am frustrated, he suddenly becomes incredibly affectionate and wants to be right by my side. He wants to know that I am not upset at him and that I forgive him. Is that not how I should be with God? The thought that I have disappointed Him or disobeyed Him should send me running to His side for comfort and reassurance.

SERVANTHOOD…Nathan wants to help with everything, no matter how big or small the task. No matter what he is in the middle of doing, he will drop everything to be right there in the thick of it. All he needs to hear is the clinking of two plates in the dishwasher and he wants to be right there helping to empty it. He wants to help with everything and more than that, he always has a smile on his face when he is helping. Nathan’s desire to help reminds me that I pass up so many opportunities to do good works and to serve others. It also reminds me that when I do serve others, I need to do so with a spirit of joy.

JOY…Nathan has not had an easy life. He was a shaken baby. He has had over 50 surgeries. He is physically and mentally handicapped. He cannot do most everyday tasks without help. He is on several medications to control his seizures. And yet, Nathan is the embodiment of joy. You can see it in his eyes and in his amazing smile. Nothing that has happened in his life changes that joy. Nathan allows me to see that I allow the most insignificant things affect me and encourages me to choose joy instead.

ENJOY THE MUNDANE…It is nearly impossible not to have a good time with Nathan because the little things make him so happy. He squeals with excitement when I say we are going to take a walk around the block. He screams “Yeah” when I ask him if he wants to go to Costco. He bounces up and down when I ask if he wants to help me make a pitcher of iced tea. He sings and dances unabashedly in the shower. Nathan looks at every activity as an opportunity to have a good time. I want to see the world through his eyes and enjoy life the way he does.

Five years ago, I took on the job of helping and teaching Nathan to get along in life in spite of his disabilities. The reality is that Nathan has actually taught me how to make it in this world in spite of my disabilities. For these lessons, I am eternally grateful.

Fast Food Philosophizing

2006-06-23T17:28:00.000-05:00

Do you ever see something that seems completely normal, but for some reason, it strikes you in a profound way? You know that if you saw the same thing on any other day or at any other time of that day, it would have meant nothing? Something like this happened to me recently and it has sparked a barrage of thoughts and prayers and the desire to correct what I feel is a huge mistake. This “ah-ha” moment happened in, of all places, McDonalds.

When I am stressed or having a bad day, Diet Coke is my relaxant of choice. On a particularly stressful day at the preschool, I decided to stop in at McDonald’s to pick up a nice refreshing Diet Coke. Now, I normally avoid McDonalds, but as any Diet Coke connoisseur will tell you, no one has better Diet Coke than they do. As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw that the drive-thru line was quite long, so I decided to just go inside. The lines were short inside, but the sweet elderly woman at the counter was moving a bit slowly, so I knew I was in for a long wait for my beloved beverage. So, as I stood there, I began to people watch. My attention was drawn to the couple that walked in just before me. I would guess that they were 16 or 17 years old. They were holding hands, snuggling, and saying “I love you” to each other. It was not that gross, “I cannot keep my hands off of you” touching. It seemed genuine and sweet and even a cynical girl like me thought “ahh, that’s cute”. Then I heard something that changed my thought from “ahh, that’s cute” to “wait a minute, something is wrong here”. As the wait in line continued, the couple began to snuggle less and talk more. I was not trying to eavesdrop, but they were right by me, so I could not help but hear what they were saying. After a few more hugs and “I love yous”, the girl made a comment about her house. Her boyfriend’s response was “where do you live?” I tried not to, but I chuckled a little. You mean you are being all cuddly with this girl, telling her that you love her, and you don’t even know where she lives? There is something really wrong with that! As the conversation continued, I learned that he not only did not know where the love of his life lived, but he knew nothing about her family or her friends. I was now intrigued and began to be more observant. I began to notice that something else was odd about this couple. His style was totally gothic. His hair was dyed jet black, he had on heavy black eyeliner, several piercings, fingernails painted black, wore a black mesh shirt, baggy black jeans with chains dangling between the pockets, and black Doc Martens. Then I noticed the girl’s outfit. It was Goth meets Abercrombie & Fitch. From the waist up, she was totally Goth--heavy eye make-up, dyed hair, shirt from Hot Topic. But from the waist down, she was every Goth teen’s nightmare--Abercrombie jeans, trendy jeweled flip-flops, and perfectly French manicured toes. It was almost as if she could not decide which half was really her, the Goth top half or the trendy bottom half, so she maintained both. She was definitely in the midst of an identity crisis. A few minutes later, the couple got their food and sat down to gaze into each other’s eyeliner smudged eyes. I got my Diet Coke and headed off to work.

For some reason, I could not get that couple out of my mind. That encounter got me thinking about what we teach our young people about finding their identity and about building relationships. It made me consider what our responsibility to them is. It made we wonder if some of the teens in our very own youth group have relationships similar to the relationship of this couple.

I believe that we have a huge responsibility to our young people to show them that their identity lies in being a child of God and to teach & model Godly relationships. I believe that we, as a church, have failed to take on this responsibility as seriously and with as much zeal as we should. We need to do whatever we can to fix this and take on this responsibility with boldness.

My next few posts will address this responsibilty and what actions we should take in more detail.

Stillness

2006-06-17T19:08:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing in my life. Exactly what is God's plan for me? I don't have any idea right now and it is scary and unsettling. It is not easy to discern whether I am feeling drawn toward making a change in my life because I am being called by God, because I am feeling guilty for the life I have, or because I am simply exhausted from living the life that I have now.

I am trying to be still and to listen to His voice. My prayer is that in this stillness, I will receive and be able to hear His answer. This has proven quite difficult as I am not one to be still. I equate stillness with stagnation and movement with change and progress. God is teaching me otherwise. Although stillness is difficult, it is essential. It is in the midst of stillness that you are able to see and hear things that you cannnot when you are moving. You realize all of the things that you have missed out on by always being busy. What you value and what you find beautiful begins to change. Who you want to spend your time with and how you want to spend that time begins to change. It is not easy to follow His leadings when you are constantly moving. It is nearly impossible to become actively involved in the church community when you are working 70 hour a week. It is difficult to show genuine love to someone when you are moving at 90 miles per hour. It is not easy to establish intimate relationships when you are always on the go. Stillness in something I need in order to be a better Christian, friend, and servant.

What am I supposed to do with my life? I still have no idea, but I am thankful for all of the lessons that He is teaching me while I am on the journey.

On my soapbox

2006-06-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

I am about to get on my soapbox. Proceed with caution.

When you are in your thirties and unmarried, some things become a normal part of life. One of those things is being asked questions like "So, are you seeing anyone" and “Are you and (insert name here) dating?” Those are questions that I have been asked A LOT over the last 10 years. And no matter how many times I am asked, I am always at a loss for words. I am an extremely private person, especially when it comes to dating. So, when people ask this, I don’t know what the proper response is and it creates a really awkward situation. This is especially true when one of these question is asked right in front of the guy they are asking about. On the rare occassion that I have been dating when one of these questions has been asked, and I said “yes”, it lead to lots of giddy laughter & shrieking (not by me, by the asker), hugs (again, not by me, but by the asker), and “I’m so happy for you” or "congratulations" comments--all of which made me embarrassed and uncomfortable. Just so you all know, if I am dating someone, but have chosen not to make it public knowledge, there is probably a good reason for that and I really don’t want to be asked about it in front of a bunch of people. If we are dating, but don’t want it to be public knowledge, I am tempted to lie in order to maintain our privacy. If I say “no” because we are not dating, one of two things will happen. It will lead to more awkward and personal questions/statements like “why not” or “do you want to date him?” or “you need to stop being so picky” or ‘you’re not getting any younger, you better snatch this one up” or “oh, well you should be”. Or, I will say “no” as if he is repulsive and/or a leper in order to avoid the previously mentioned questions/statements and then have to apologize to him later for answering in such a rude manner and reinforce that I think he is neither repulsive nor a leper. Although these questions are annoying and personal and actually kind of rude, it has made me think a lot about how we view relationships.

Why have we allowed ourselves to equate being in a relationship with happiness & success and not being in a romantic relationship with failure & inadequacy? Why is it so hard to believe that someone can be happy and content, heck, even joyful and NOT be married or in a serious relationship? Why is it that when I tell someone that I do not have a husband or a serious boyfriend, I get the same reaction (tilted head, sad face, “I’m sorry” or “it’s going to be ok”, arm rubbing or hugging) that I would get if I said that had just found out I have cancer or lost everything I own in a fire? Here is something everyone should know--BEING SINGLE IS NEITHER A DISEASE NOR A DISASTER! There is nothing wrong with me because I am not married. I don’t need dating tips or books on how to catch myself a man. I don’t want to be set up with your nephew or neighbor or your daughter’s pediatrician. I don’t need to know the meeting times of singles groups at other area churches. I am not sad, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled, or bitter because I am not married. Believe it or not, I am one of those people who actually loves being single. God does not call all of His children to marriage and I am perfectly ok with that! In fact, I am really happy about that because --you might want to sit down for this one--there are some of us out there who don’t even WANT to be married. Shocking, but true. I do not sit and pine for a husband…I do not search Christian dating websites to find my ideal mate…I do not cover myself with ashes, scrape myself with pottery, and beg God to send me a man to marry…I do not sit on my porch in my rocking chair surrounded by my cats, reading old love letters from a shoebox and lament over the ones that got away. You see, I love my life just the way it is. I love that I don’t experience all of the things that go along with marriage. Marriage in not even on my radar right now. PLEASE don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-marriage. I don’t boycott weddings. I don't vandalize the gift registry kiosks at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and Target. I am really happy for my friends who have found a husband or wife and pray that they will have a blessed marriage. I think marriage can be a beautiful, God-glorifying thing. To be honest, there are times with I think I'd like to be married--that I would love the companionship and support and to not have to work three jobs because someone else would be bringing home a paycheck. But those thoughts are very rare and fleeting. You see, I know that marriage is not for me, at least at this point in my life. In the same way a married person cannot imagine a life without his/her spouse, I cannot imagine my life with one. I would miss out on so much of the life God has blessed me with if I were married. I would not be able to have three jobs that I absolutely love. I would not be able to spend as much time with college students that I care about tremendously. I would not be able to work with Nathan, whom I love more that I ever thought possible. I would have to make different choices about where my money is spent. My life would be different in so many ways, and different is not always better. I realize and accept that it may not always be God's plan for me to be single. I am open to that and follow wherever He leads me. But right now, my life is good and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am stepping off of my soapbox for now. But I’ll leave you with this warning--next time you see me, don’t ask about my love life because if you do, I will probably get right back up on this soapbox, and neither of us wants that.

Logic vs. Emotion

2006-06-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

Is there really a healthy balance between logic and emotion? If so, how do you attain it? As someone who marinates in logic, it's difficult for me to acknowledge and allow myself to express my emotions. Whenever I feel a strong emotion, I push it back and take a while to think about whether or not I should really be feeling that way. Because emotions by nature are illogical, I almost always conclude that I should not feel the way I feel and adjust my actions/reactions accordingly. Because I have no control over them, I view my emotions as weakness. In my world, weakness of any kind has always been unacceptable. I have always been the strong, independent type--that is my identity and weakness does not fit into that identity. Sadly, it hasn't really been difficult to remain emotionally void. I have, for the most part, surrounded myself with people who accept that about me. I have set up almost every relationship I have to fit into this emotion-free mindset. With the vast majority of the people in my life, I have a one-sided or surface level relationship--I am either a therapist or someone with whom to hang out & have fun. Life is much less complicated when you just sit back and listen to other people talk about themselves. There is no risk involved when you choose to support people as they learn difficult life lessons, listen as they convey their experiences with the inevitable joys & pains of life, engage in trite banter, or just sit & laugh for hours. I had pretty much mastered how to lead a relatively emotion-free existence and I have been really proud of that mastery. Perhaps that pride is why, over the last year or so, I have been overcome with emotion to the point that I cannot control it all of the time. Perhaps that pride is why I have struggled so much lately with knowing that I have allowed so few people to really understand me, yet want so desperately to be understood. Perhaps that pride is why God has placed people in my life who will not accept the person that the world sees now--people who ask how I am because they genuinely want to know so that they help me overcome my struggles--people who show me kindness and generosity without expecting anything in return--people who will accept nothing less than the real me, warts and all--people who see who I want to be, not who I am, and encourage me to make the changes necessary to be that person. I have cried, felt lonely, been angry, and felt hurt more in the last year than in the previous 33 years combined. Why the sudden change? Why am I embarrassed that I am actually acknowledging that I can't do this alone? Why do I feel the need to apologize incessantly when I cry or express that I feel angry or hurt or helpless? As is always the case, God is trying to change me in spite of me. I am coming to realize that to deny my emotions is to deny my God. He crafted me to feel love, loneliness, joy, compassion, anger, and pain. If I never allow myself to feel such things, I will continue to lack the empathy necessary to serve and love others the way He has called me to serve and love them. Most importantly, if I continue to deny how I feel, I also allow myself to forget how He feels--His immeasurable love for me and the pain He feels when I fail Him. I don't know if there is a healthy balance between logic and emotion. If there is, I don't know whether or not I will ever attain it. What I do know is that I need to take a step, or two, or a hundred toward my emotional side. What I do know is that sometimes I need to stop thinking so much and allow my heart to lead me. What I do know is that there is no weakness in expressing emotion--the real weakness is in allowing myself to be anything less than what He has created me to be, which is both logical and emotional. What I do know is that no matter what side of the logic/emotion fence that I am on and no matter how long it takes me to get where I am supposed to be, He is there with me. In the end, that is really all I need to know.

I said I would never...

2006-06-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

have a blog. But in keeping with this summer's theme of doing things that I said I would never do, here it is.